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    The Horrors of Holidays

     It is the day after Thanksgiving.  Kara’s friend asks her how her holiday was.

     

    Kara:  How was it?  It was awful!  I hate Thanksgiving.  It’s like one of those holidays designed to make people miserable.  My brother wouldn’t shut up about all this dumb football stuff.  And my little sister started crying cause she wanted pizza.  Pizza!  Actually, I can’t blame her.  I mean, who invented the Jell-O mold anyway?  It would be okay if it was just cranberry.  But no, it’s like this law that you have to put all kinds of disgusting fruit bits in it. Meanwhile, my aunt kept asking, “Sooo, do you have a boyfriend yet?” Like I’d tell her, even if I did.  And my mom was running around, refusing to sit and eat.  I think she must have always dreamed of being a waitress.  Then my grandma announces she’s suffering from gas.  Who’s she kidding?  We were the ones suffering!  Everyone pigged out and then lied around watching TV and feeling sick.  So I figure, the reason we’re giving thanks is that we only have to do this once a year.

     

     

    The Last Meal

     

    After being caught in the middle of a food fight on the last day of school, Jamie defends himself/herself to the school disciplinarian.

     

    Jamie:  It’s the last day of school!  What’s the big deal?  Nobody eats it anyway.  It’s cafeteria food, it’s not like it’s Burger King.  Besides, it happened in third period and fourth period and nobody got in trouble then!  I didn’t even start it – it was self-defense!  Somebody smacked me in the eye with a hot dog – I had to retaliate.  I only rifled three Tator Tots.  That’s it!  And tow of them missed!  But Gordon went ahead and wailed me anyway, with a big bran muffin.  With nuts!  Right in the neck!  See the welt?  I almost chocked!  I could sue the school for millions!  Not to mention malnutrition. (Beat.) In-school suspension? You’ve got to be kidding.  (Beat.)  Do I get lunch with that?

     

     

    Eating up Profits

     

    Jerri works in Mr. Reilly’s bakery.  Mr. Reilly just caught Jerri pigging out on the baked goods.  Here, Jerri attempts to convince Mr. Reilly that he/she was sampling the deserts for the sake of the business.

     

    Jerri:  Okay, I know I ate some cheesecake and a double chocolate peanut butter cookie and a lemon tart.  But I can explain that, Mr. Reilly.  You see, customers come into your bakery every day.  And no matter what they’re considering buying, they ask me if it’s good.  And when I say yes – like you told me to – they still always ask, “Have you tried it?” Now I could lie and say yes, but it goes against my nature.  Plus, I’m a terrible liar.  But when I say no, they have second thoughts.  Sometimes they leave right away – walk out without buying anything.  And that’s awful for business.  So I figured, if I  taste one of everything then I could really say yes!  Don’t you see?  I’m not eating up your profits, I’m increasing them!  (Beat.) Fired?!  You’ve got to be kidding? That’s the thanks I get for helping your business.  Fine, oh by the way? Your lemon tarts stink!!

     

     

     

    Goldilock’s Day in Court

     

    Goldilocks is sitting in the witness chair at her own trial.

     

    Goldilocks:  But, your honor, I’ve already told you everything that happened that day. 

                I was just walking through the forest – it’s a short cut to the 7-11 store – and I came upon this cute little cottage.

                The door was open, so I just peeked in and saw three bowls of porridge on the table.  Frankly, I was hoping for lobster and Perrier, but this is a low budget fairy tale.

                Now, the first bowl of porridge was way too salty.  The second bowl was far too sweet.  And the third bowl was just lousy, which could be why you don’t see many fast food porridge restaurants around!  But I ate it anyway.

                And, yes, I confess I later sat down on one of their chairs and broke it.  But you try eating a bowl of that cement mix and see how lightly you sit in your seat!

                Then, I was feeling a little woozy from the porridge, and a little sore from the chair incident, so I decided to go upstairs to take a little nap. 

                I picked the smallest of their three beds to sleep in because it was most like my own – unmade.  So I climbed in and fell fast asleep.

                And the next thing I know I’ve got bear breath beating down on me!  I open my eyes and there’s Papa Bear, Mama Bear, and Baby Bear, and they’re all looking at me like I’m an Alpo chew stick with curls.

                …..And, well the rest is in the police report.

                But you’ve got to believe me, sir.  I didn’t mean any harm!

                …..Well yes, I suppose what I did could be considered trespassing.

                … And yes, I realize I should be held responsible for any damage done to the Bear Family’s property.

                But, sir, a five hundred dollar fine?!  That’s pretty steep.  Why, on my allowance that’ll take me….forever!

                …So that’s it huh?  Five hundred dollars!  I can’t plea bargain, I can’t throw myself on the mercy of the court? I can’t mind you that I did, in fact, eat the porridge, and some judges might consider that punishment enough?

                All right, all right, I’ll pay the fine!

                …And yes, your honor, I can honestly say I have learned my lesson.  The next time I wander carelessly into someone else’s home … it’s going to be someone who can cook.

     

     

    The Minor, Minor, League Draft

     

                Well, here we go again.  It’s team selection day, and as usual, I’ll be the last one picked.  Nobody ever wants me on their team. (Sighs)  I feel like a chip on the bowling ball of life! A wad of chewing gum on the Reeboks of humanity!  A speed bump on the football field of mankind.

                Tony will get picked first, of course.  After all, he’s the best player in the whole school.  Or, at least, that’s what he had printed on his t-shirt!  And Carla will get selected because she’s such a fast runner. If nobody picks her, she can be home in 83 seconds to tell her big brother! 

                Yessir, I might as well face it. I’m going to be standing her til Halley’s Comet comes back!  …Aw I guess I don’t really blame then.  I mean, who wants a player on their team who runs around the bases so slowly he/she takes along a sleeping bag.  Or someone who couldn’t catch a fly if they had a No-Pest Strip hanging around their neck!  Or someone who…

                (stops suddenly and looks around)  Hey, wait a minute! Did I just hear Matthew calling out my name for his team?… And look, now Rusty’s waving me over to her team, too.  This is sure strange.  I wonder what the odds are of both team captains being delirious at the same time?

                But, then again, I have been making some dramatic improvements lately on the soccer field.  I can now play most of the game in the upright position!  And my volleyball skills have greatly improved.  I haven’t gotten tangled up I the net all semester.

                Yep!  That’s got to be it!  They’ve seen my potential and they know what I’m capable of!  They’ve finally come to appreciate my ever increasing athletic abilities!  They recognize a budding Olympic star when they see one.

                And then, of course, it just might have something to do with the fact that this year (smiles broadly)…my mom’s bring the refreshments!

     

     

    No Title

    Two friends talking

     

    Don’t worry!  Be happy!  That’s my motto.  You always get so worried about every little thing.  Like you were so sure you wouldn’t score in soccer today, and you did.  And you knew you wouldn’t pass your geography test, and you got an A.  I got a B. I’m the one who should be worried.  My mom said if I got more than one B this quarter, she’d take the phone out of my room.  And I’ve still got that big science project to go.  I’ll never ace that. And what will I do without my phone?  Oh, see what you did! You got me worried.  Some friend!